The Passion of the Sword & Other Stories
by Lemon Cookies
Summary: Hobbits were made for lovin' and drinking, not fighting. Crack alert.
1. The Passion of the Sword

The way Aragorn saw it, he and Faramir had gotten the short end of the stick. There he was, in the middle of a thick forest, attempting to teach Merry and Pippin how to fight. Gandalf had ordered the two men to instruct the two hobbits in exchange for a bedtime surprise.

Merry and Pippin pulled out their little swords, eager for the training session to begin. Aragon cleared his throat. "Merry, Pippin… I think Gandalf meant for us to instruct you on the use of _these_ swords." He motioned to the weapon sheathed in his belt, not his pants.

"Oh, right," Merry replied, sheathing his penis and nudging Pippin. "They mean the bigger ones."

Pippin grinned in reply as he zipped up. "I guess we have a bit more of a chance now."

"Hey," Merry added, "Where's Faramir? Wasn't he supposed to be here too?"

Aragorn glanced around. Indeed, Faramir was awfully late. "I guess we'll just have to start without him," he stated ruefully.

He whipped out his very long, handsome sword and instructed the hobbits to do the same. Merry successfully drew his sword, but Pippin was having a little trouble.

"Here." Aragorn pulled a small bottle out of his pocket. "Rub this on your sword. It should make pulling out easier."

Pippin took the bottle. The label read 'lube.' He hadn't listened to a word Aragorn had said, and he was very interested in this 'lube.'

"Cheers!" he shouted, bringing the bottle to his mouth and tearing the top off with his teeth before inhaling the contents.

Merry stood with his mouth gaping for a moment before he found his voice. "What good did that do, Pip, unless… you're a sword eater?"

Aragorn grabbed the empty bottle from Pippin's fingers. "I'll just have to get more from Faramir," he sighed. "Oh, and that's poisonous."

"Is he gonna die, Aragorn?" Merry gasped, poking at Pippin's enlarged head. Actually, Pippin's 'little sword' was expanding and growing at an accelerated pace.

"Maybe not," Aragorn said, checking his other pocket. "It appears I've put my lube and Viagra juice in the wrong bottles again."

"Oh, thank goodness," Merry said. "Wow. His willy is almost the size of Gandalf's!"

Aragorn wondered when Merry had earned himself a 'bedtime surprise.'

Suddenly, Faramir leapt into the scene. He was covered in a slick, transparent liquid that would've shone in the sun if he wasn't in the middle of a forest.

"Faramir!" Merry shouted. "Where have you been?"

"With Gandalf," the man replied, oil dripping from his little beard. "I was getting a down payment on that 'bedtime surprise.'"

Pippin moaned and fell to the ground, willy side up.

"Dear God, what happened to him?" Faramir exclaimed, pointing at the masticating hobbit.

Apparently, Pippin had found something chewy in the back of his throat after ingesting the Viagra juice and was now gnawing on it whilst trying to control his savage urge to fuck the first hole he saw.

Before Aragorn or Merry could answer, an extremely excited Faramir knocked them aside with his woody and went to rub sticks with Pippin. Unfortunately, when one rubs two sticks together, the result is a spark that can light a passionate fire.

And alas, Faramir lit up like a Christmas tree that had been chopped into firewood and doused in lighter fluid. That's okay, though, children, because later that night there was more Gandalf for the remaining three.


	2. White Hole

I came across Merry and Pippin eating sandwiches and smoking weed by the ruins of Isengard. Not having the heart to interrupt them, I spied on them from behind a fallen Ent. The fallen Ent just happened to be Tree Beard. Merry had set him alight so he and Pippin could have a nice, toasty fire with which to roast marshmallows.

Tree Beard was making odd noises, and smoke was rising from his lower branches. I felt obligated to put out the fire, but alas, there was no water! However, I cleverly made do by peeing on the tree. When I discovered that my piss alone wasn't working fast enough, I called to Merry and Pippin to join me. The two little hobbits had other methods in mind. They whipped their swords out and ejaculated on the fire. Well, Merry did. Pippin misfired.

"Here, Pip, let me help you with that," Merry said.

"No, Merry, it's too late. I don't think I've got another one in me."

I wiped Pip's seed from my face and said, "Bitch, make me a sammich!"

"To whom are you speaking?" Gandalf asked, popping out from between Merry's legs.

"Merry! You cheated!" Pippin exclaimed indignantly.

"No I didn't. I didn't even know Gandalf was still in there."

"Merry, you know that when White Wizards reenter this world, they eject from the buttocks of a hobbit. Obviously, that takes time," Gandalf explained. "Anyway, does anyone have a towel?"

"I have a hanky," Pippin offered.

"Pippin, do you think I can masturbate with a mere hanky?"

"Well, I don't see why not. It works for me."

"I am no Hobbit," Gandalf roared, and he shed his robe while emitting a bright white light. Tree Beard's remaining body had its fire put out immediately.

"Wizard jizz glows?" I said in awe.

"Not usually. It must be part of being immortal. Now pass me your pipe." Gandalf took the pipe from Merry and shoved it up the Hobbit's dainty yet stretched arsehole. "Don't want Dumbledore coming out in the wrong realm, now do we?"


End file.
